I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
tell me about the fingering
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