he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
