i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Boobs speak an international language.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
