im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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