I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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