The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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