I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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