Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
