She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
