i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
