i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
