So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
