When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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