well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
