A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
