just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
