I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
