we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
