Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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