ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
