I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
