I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
