I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
