When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
