Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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