True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Couch. On fire.
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