In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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