He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
