I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
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