oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
