Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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