Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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