i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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