you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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