dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
