It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
