"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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