Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
