we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
