he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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