I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
