Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
