She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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