remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
