Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
