I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
