you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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