o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
