i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
