Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
